jamoche

References a running joke in "Captain Vorpatril's Alliance", no spoilers for the plot. Less of a fanfic, more of a "things I really wish I could say when bug-wrangling".

Ivan had developed a personal metaphor for this first task (after the coffee) of the day.

It was Ivan’s morning duty to open each box, identify the species, vigor, mood, and fang-count of the writhing things inside, and sort them by genuine urgency.

The venomous, agitated snakes went straight to Desplains. The garden snakes were arranged in an orderly manner for his later attention. The dead snakes and the sluggish worms were returned to their senders with a variety of canned notes attached, with the heading From The Office of Admiral Desplains, ranging from patiently explanatory to brief and bitter, depending on how long it seemed to be taking the sender in question to learn to deal with his own damned wildlife.

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We are not refusing to deal with your snake. Your snake is, in fact, a garden hose; "nothing" is the correct course of action.

We understand that it is quite distressing to open a box labelled "pet snake" and be confronted by a hissing rattlesnake. However, this should have been reported to the snake department, not the box manufacturer.

Why yes, we do appreciate it when you take the time to kill the snake before sending it to us. However in order to understand the snake fully, we actually do need the entire snake. No, one scale is not useful.

We have no doubt that you have seen a snake. The loud screams of "snake!" rather gave it away. We do, however, need a trifle more information than that.

You will forgive us if we assume that the snake taxonomy certificate hanging on the wall with your name prominently displayed in elegant calligraphy means you can tell your snakes apart.

The reason you have been given a small garden snake to wrangle is because we are covered in large hissing snakes. Therefore now is not a good time to ask questions about the care and feeding of garden snakes.

No, that's not the same snake. Does it have the same markings? Does it move in the same way? Do the fang marks match? No? Then why did you put it in the same box?

Yes, that is the same snake. It moves exactly the same way as the other one. The fang marks are identical. It does not matter that you found it in a different part of the garden.